My Aching Heart

It's been so long since I've written anything on here...but tonight, my heart is breaking and I need to get it out.
Our family has been through so very much the past year and a half and it just seems to keep coming at us. We've been torn apart and broken down. Faced with challenges that have tested our faith in God & our strength as a family. We have cried out loud and silently in our hearts, begging for it to stop. The pain at times, hopelessly unbearable. Physically, mentally and emotionally we have been taken to the very breaking point, feeling like there really was no hope.
I will admit, unashamed, that I have looked up towards heaven with tears streaming down my face, asking God
"WHY??!!"
Why can't you make this stop?!
Why won't you?!
Why can't you bring her back?!
Why does he have to make "those" choices?!
Why does she have to endure this too, after all she's endured?!
Why did you have to have him?!
Why couldn't he stay here with us?!
My heart breaks with each and every trial that we have had to face since that dreadful September day in 2011. How much more can we take?! How much more can my momma heart break, before there's nothing left?!
I don't have the answers to these questions, I wish I could say I do. But through the tears, through the pain, I have watched God work in only a way the He can. He has knit this family together, closer and tighter than ever. Giving us strength to press on together. He has brought others into our lives, that have prayed for us when they didn't even know what to pray. He has strengthened a marriage that once was broken and falling to pieces. He has given us laughter in a little boy that brings so much  joy to our hearts, even when all we want to feel is pain. He has surrounded us by friends who have allowed us to be real in our hurt, our anger, our pain and yet loved us no matter what. He has given grace anew each and every day, making it possible to wake up each morning.
Tonight, through the tears and my broken heart, I can still say, I know God will heal the pain. I know that He is with us. I know that He will never leave and I know that even without all the answers...
My God is greater than all the questions and I will continue to trust Him with each tear that falls!

Beauty All Around Me

Though there may be obstacles in our way, we have only to look up to overcome them

Beyond the fog there is a beautiful picture...praying that beautiful picture will soon reveal itself 

Just as the sun rises, it always set & tomorrow brings a new day

Thankful... Just sayin'

Well, this thanksgiving day didn't start out the best for this Momma... Without going into much detail, our family is experiencing the most difficult time we have ever faced. I awoke at 2:45 am, not able to sleep, as sadness, hurt and brokeness flooded my heart and soul. I tossed and turned, then decided to get up and spend some time looking for God's promises. Here are some verses I came across:

Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing

John 16:33  
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Isaiah 41:10
fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;   they shall walk and not faint.

Joshua 1:9   
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Psalms 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble

2 Corinthians 12: 9b,10
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Isaiah 61:7 
Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, And instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion.  Therefore in their land they shall possess double; Everlasting joy shall be theirs.

After finded those comforting words and beginning a journal, once again, i was able to get a few more hours of much needed rest. The past two nights, I have mourned and shed tears. I have worried and feared that we made the wrong decision. I have been sad and broken hearted. But today I was reminded of the things that I DO have to be thankful for and reminded to focus on those things, instead of what I don't have. So...i'd like to share with you just a few of those things....

- The most AMAZING, patient, wonderful, selfless, giving, hard working husband who spoils this high maintenance girl & puts up with all my faults, loves me just the same & never gives up on me
- Daughters who are becoming some of the dearest friends I will ever have, who are serving God with their talents
- A son who is truly a gift...the most wonderful, wiser than his years, life giving, fantastic drumming, always willing to lend a hand, completely unselfish gift
- A son in law who provides for my daughter & grandson & loves them so
- The most adorable, sweet, chubby cheeked grandson, who has brought our family, especially his Nana, so much joy!
- My dearest & bestest friend for over 30 years, who has been there for me through every heartache, every joy & who has given more than I deserve
- My Mumsy who gave me life & continues to love me no matter how awful I treated her when I was a teenager.
- The little things....a warm place to call home, food in my fridge & cabinets, a wonderful comfy mattress to lie on & fluffy to cover me up with at night, cars that drive us to & from work, jobs with great coworkers, more than enough clothes to keep me warm, shoes on my feet, new friendships, fluffy socks, my little Izzy, COFFEE....and so so much more!

But the BIGGEST thing I am thankful for today is my God! He is faithful, always ready to forgive, never gives up on me, holds my broken heart in his hand and counts the tears that fall. He keeps me safe, promises to never leave me, gives me second chances, even when I fail Him. He comforts my broken heart, heals the pain and loves me unconditionally! What more could I ask for?

So on this thanksgiving day... Though sad, I am thankful...just saying'

I Don't Know you, but I Love You

It's hard to believe that it has been WELL over a year since I have written anything. I have/had great intentions for this blog, but I get busy with other things and I constantly lay it aside. But alas, here I am again and let me tell you why NOW...

I have an Aunt who is from England, and lives there. I have never met her (but I sure hope to one day very soon), but I feel connected to her because she is my family. I love her...some people may not understand this ..."how could you love someone that you have never met?" But you see, she is my flesh and blood, she is my Aunt and despite not ever meeting her, I know she is my family and I feel it.

There is someone else that I love, but I have yet to meet. His name is Jonah Maverick. I have felt him kick and roll. Laughed at the rhythm of his hiccups. Saw his chubby cheeks through his US and imagined what & who he might possibly look like. I have seen his mama and daddy grin with excitement at the anticipation of his arrival & look at me with weary eyes, wondering if the day will EVER come, that he will make his grand appearance. This little man is my grandson. I have yet to meet him. But you see, he is my flesh and blood. Part of me. I love him!

As I wrote this, I started with a whole different thought...and then, this thought came to me. God knew me and loved me before I was even a part of this world. His word says:

 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you... Jeremiah 1:5

How could HE know ME, when I wasn't even born??
You know why? Because I am His flesh and blood. I am a child of the King. His son died for me.

 And you know what? He did that for ALL OF YOU TOO! What an amazing fact that is! The creator of the universe loved ME & YOU ... BEFORE we were even a thought.

I love my Aunt because she is my blood.
I love Jonah because he is my blood.
God loves me because I am His blood.
I have gotten to know my aunt a bit better talking to her and emailing her.
I have gotten to know Jonah a bit more, by feeling his kicks and hearing his heart beat.
I need to get to know my God better.
Read His word.
Pray.
Worship.
Intentionally seek Him.

So, what does all that have to do with my aunt and writing in this blog again? Well, she said to me the other day, as I was asking people on facebook about the best place to host my decorating blog, "forgive my ignorance, but what is a blog?". I explained it to her a bit and sent her the links to this blog, my decorating blog (notjustnanashouse.blogspot.com) and to Melodie's blog. Soon after, she sent me a message and said she had read through my blog and it caused tears to fall. It made me stop and think. It made me go back and read my blog posts. And it made me see how even though I have not known my God like I should, He has known me. He has blessed me. He has loved me.

So here I am once again, writing and sharing my heart. My heart that longs to be closer to the God that loved me before I was conceived, loves me today and will love me for all eternity.

Just like I love my Aunt...

Just like I love my Jonah...

To The Moon

I have been thinking I should write something for a few days, maybe even a week or two, but kept putting it off. I couldn't think of much to say, when in reality, I am quite positive that I have a million things to say, but couldn't decide which one to choose. Anyway, I just finished reading my daughter's blog and it hit me...here is what I need to say...

I
MISS
YOU
NIKKI

I miss your smile.

I miss your hugs.

I miss your cookies.

I miss you feeding your horses. ;o)

I miss you helping me cook.

I miss you cooking for me.

I miss your help in the kitchen.

I miss hearing you talk & be silly with your little brother.

I miss you & Mel being goofy girls together.

I miss your laughter.

I even miss your grumpiness. :o)

I miss you driving for me, cuz I hate to drive.

I miss EVERYTHING about you!

BUT, with that being said.

I

AM

PROUD

OF

YOU

I am proud that you can listen & hear God's still small voice.

I am proud that you stepped out of your comfort zone in SO many ways.

I am proud that you are being the constant in the life of a little boy who has been through so much.

I am proud that you are writing.

I am proud that you are finding yourself.

I am proud that you have given up so much to help others.

I am proud that you have put GOD first.

I am proud that you are letting God use you.

and most of all...

I

AM

BLESSED

to have been given an incredible gift from God! I can't even begin to tell you how much you mean to me and how dear you are to this mom's heart! I am honored and completely humbled that I was chosen to be your mom.

I

LOVE

YOU

NIKKI

TO THE MOON....

AND BACK AGAIN!

ALWAYS and FOREVER!

AND A DAY AFTER THAT!

God is Changing Us...

So, I wasn't planning to write anything today, but I can't stop thinking that for some reason I should. Not sure what words are going to be spoken on this page, it may just be a jumbled mess of thoughts, but here they are...

I had a very long conversation with a dear dear friend who is facing one of THE most difficult times in her life and you know what I kept hearing her say again and again and again...

"I am trusting God"
"I am praying daily"

This same friend was there for me a few years ago when I was also facing a similar situation. She is so godly and so wise. I see her and think that she could be bitter, angry, revengful
But, NO...
She is trusting God.

And YES...
She is sad, hurt, lonely and broken.

But you know what... God is going to use her. She is committed and faithful and God sees that in her and HE will be glorified in the end. He will bless her and He will see her through. NO matter the outcome!
GOD IS CHANGING HER!

In a few weeks, my second daughter will begin the journey of starting her own life and seeking out God's plans for her. One week from today, she will leave our home to help my Aunt with her grandson for several months. Then, home for a few weeks and off to college she goes. She has been praying and seeking and asking God for HIS plan, for HIS will, for HIS desires to be met in her life.
She is growing.
She is leaping.
She is moving on.
GOD IS CHANGING HER!

A few weeks ago, my youngest daughter spent two weeks fasting from someone in order to seek God in their relationship. To make sure that it was right. That it was ok. She prayed.
She sought advice from godly women.
She cried.
She wrote letters to her past and to her future.
She sought forgiveness.
What 15 year old would do this? What 17 year old would do this?
God is working in her life. God is showing her
HE is AMAZING!
HE is FAITHFUL.
HE is FORGIVING.
And through HIM, all this can be done right. A relationship between two people, CAN glorify Him.
GOD IS CHANGING HER!

Another dear friend lost her twin sister, less than a year ago. She cried and she mourned and we all prayed for God to..
heal her hurt.
To lessen her pain.
To comfort her heart.
Recently, she had some time to allow God to truly begin to heal her. Her heart is hurting a little less and a little less each day. The sadness is turning to beautiful wonderful memories that she can now see with joy and not so much sorrow.
GOD IS CHANGING HER!

By nature, I am a worrier. I have been told again and again...

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD!

I KNOW that...but did I trust that?
NOPE...not at all! I could say it, but they were just words. Things were placed in my life consistently, so that I could BE STILL.
BUT, again and again,
time after time,
situation after situation...
I worried.
I didn't trust HIM.
Til recently.
I was faced with a hard choice.
I prayed.
I asked for prayer.
I cried.
I shared my concerns with my husband.
I listened to wise women.
I prayed and prayed and prayed.
I KNEW the answer.
I knew my choice.

THIS TIME...
I was STILL.
This time...
I KNEW that HE WAS GOD.
This time...
I TRUSTED HIM!
I DIDN't worry.

I still don't have an answer. But you know what...that's ok! I AM OK with that!
You know why, because...
GOD IS CHANGING ME!

Mr & Mrs Chad Duncan

So, I started this just as an update on the Weir Family facebook page and it became rather lengthy...So, someone wise said to me "Why don't you just blog and put a link to your blog on the page?" Thanks Steph! :o)

The wedding day was completely unstressful and such a great day! It was cloudy and that was an answer to Mel's prayers. Why? Because "clouds are better for outdoor pictures!" Of COURSE...why didn't I think of that! :o)

We got up and just relaxed, sitting around with coffee and snacks, just talking and having a great time together. After Stephanie finished Lyssa's hair and all of us getting ourselves ready, a little bit at a time, we went to the church to get Lys in her dress, take some pictures and get ready to walk that isle. Were we ready for this? I kept asking Scott and neither one of us could answer...

I didn't cry until I went to get Scott to see his beautiful daughter ready and waiting in her dress, to be given away by him and myself. Then the tears fell...How can it be possible that the little baby that God gave to us just over 18 years ago, was going to be a wife? She really was ready to leave us and cleave to her husband. There she was, standing on the other side of the door, I opened it up and her Dad was completely in awe of how beautiful she was...truly shining from the inside out! The tears were tears of joy, that God had given us such an amazing gift for a short time. He trusted us with this baby, who was now a woman.

HE...
trusted...
US!

I think we did ok. I think that God was smiling down from heaven, because even though we weren't perfect as parents, here she was, trusting God with her life. Her new life as Mrs Chad Duncan. I can't say that at that moment, I wasn't proud. Because I was...I was SO proud. I was proud that my daughter had chosen a man of God to be her husband. That they together were seeking Him. Proud that she went through so much and could easily be bitter and far away from God, but she chose to draw in closer to Him. Proud that her beauty was from the inside and not just outward. Proud that God had chosen US to be her parents. It was a pride that came from God, not because of anything I had done, or Scott & I had done, but what GOD had done THROUGH us! I was so thankful and so grateful to have been given such a blessing, that I think at that moment, my question was answered...we were ready to let go, BUT, let go for God's purpose for her...for God's plan for them.

Well, enough of the mushy stuff... :o)

The ceremony was candlit and beautful! Small, just the way they wanted it, with just the closest of family and friends. Everyone smiling and laughing and everyone there to wish the happy couple the best for their future together. They had their first dance, shoved entire cupcakes into one another's mouths, took beautiful pictures and off they went...

Mr and Mrs Chad Duncan.

It was an incredible day...for us all!