Tuesday, May 21, 2013

My Aching Heart

It's been so long since I've written anything on here...but tonight, my heart is breaking and I need to get it out.
Our family has been through so very much the past year and a half and it just seems to keep coming at us. We've been torn apart and broken down. Faced with challenges that have tested our faith in God & our strength as a family. We have cried out loud and silently in our hearts, begging for it to stop. The pain at times, hopelessly unbearable. Physically, mentally and emotionally we have been taken to the very breaking point, feeling like there really was no hope.
I will admit, unashamed, that I have looked up towards heaven with tears streaming down my face, asking God
"WHY??!!"
Why can't you make this stop?!
Why won't you?!
Why can't you bring her back?!
Why does he have to make "those" choices?!
Why does she have to endure this too, after all she's endured?!
Why did you have to have him?!
Why couldn't he stay here with us?!
My heart breaks with each and every trial that we have had to face since that dreadful September day in 2011. How much more can we take?! How much more can my momma heart break, before there's nothing left?!
I don't have the answers to these questions, I wish I could say I do. But through the tears, through the pain, I have watched God work in only a way the He can. He has knit this family together, closer and tighter than ever. Giving us strength to press on together. He has brought others into our lives, that have prayed for us when they didn't even know what to pray. He has strengthened a marriage that once was broken and falling to pieces. He has given us laughter in a little boy that brings so much  joy to our hearts, even when all we want to feel is pain. He has surrounded us by friends who have allowed us to be real in our hurt, our anger, our pain and yet loved us no matter what. He has given grace anew each and every day, making it possible to wake up each morning.
Tonight, through the tears and my broken heart, I can still say, I know God will heal the pain. I know that He is with us. I know that He will never leave and I know that even without all the answers...
My God is greater than all the questions and I will continue to trust Him with each tear that falls!

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